The Rod and Nicky Saga
by theSecretWriter
Summary: Follows the RodNicky relationship throughout the play, mostly inspired through the songs, but taken a bit differently I hope ... COMPLETE
1. It Sucks To Be Me

"You're not my mother, Rod!" The retaliation silenced him immediately, any comeback disabled. Was that how Nicky really saw him? Nicky regretted the words that had just come out of his mouth. They were true, but he hadn't meant to hurt his friend. Still, Rod WAS extremely possessive. And controlling. Actually, he didn't regret saying them at all. Rod deserved to hear just how much he annoyed him.

"You leave your clothes out! You put your feet on my chair!" Rod continued to protest, though he didn't know why. He hated fighting with Nicky, but it seemed as though everything he said just came out wrong. He could see Brian and Kate staring at them just down the street, and he felt his cheeks flush. Praying that Nicky would see too and shut up he felt his heart sink when he heard:

"You do such...such _anal _things like ironing your underwear!" pretend he didn't say...  
"Would you rather I didn't?"  
"Yes! Just...just try to be a normal person for once. You really do my head in sometimes!"  
"Sorry Nicky" Rod muttered, cheeks flushing

He didn't know why he was compelled to act so difficult. Recently every conversation with his friend turned into an argument. It was as if he was trying _too_ hard not to be overly friendly that he was swinging the other way. And it wasn't as though he could tell Nicky that. As understanding and laidback as the guy was it was logical to assume that there were limits. And so he continued to bicker and to argue, knowing all the time that he was destroying their relationship, and all the time hating himself for it.

"Hey Rod, Nicky!" Brian called them over and they followed without barely a glance at each other. Rod let himself be uncharacteristically quiet, smiling blandly at Brian's bad jokes and Kate's annoying voice for once having no affect on him. He doubted anyone realised.  
"See you guys" Rod hadn't even realised the conversation was over as he found himself climbing back up the apartment steps behind Nicky's well worn converse high tops.

With the door shut behind them, the fragile silence once again began to build. Nicky flopped down as usual in his spot in front of the TV, flicking it between the regular mind-numbing channels. Rod couldn't help feeling a sense of helplessness about the whole situation.

"Nicky?" he tried. Nicky flinched, evidently expecting the start of an argument to come. When nothing like that did, he looked up, seeing Rod still standing awkwardly by the door. "Nicky, this sucks"

Nicky went over to him and enveloped him in a hug, the warming sort that only he could give. It took a few seconds before Rod could trust himself to hug back.

"I know mate, I know" they broke apart, grinning "TV?" Nicky offered, flinging himself back down on the sofa, putting his feet up on the seat of Rod's chair. He met Rod's exasperated gaze and grinned "No shoes"

And despite himself, Rod laughed.

* * *

_AN: Just a short first chapter to get into it. I've got a few already written out, so let me know if I should continue. Thanks x_


	2. If You Were Gay

"Hey, can I sit here?" Nicky looked up from the free paper he'd been reading to see a man standing nervously over him, gesturing to the empty seat on his left.  
"Sure" Nicky shrugged, giving the man a cursory glance as he sat down - skinny jeans, tight t-shirt, wristbands and converses: the kind of clothes that Rod was always trying to get him to wear. Probably some pretentious student.  
"I'm Mark" the guy said, sticking his hand out. Nicky shook it  
"Nicky" there was a faint British sound to the guy's voice, the last tones of an accent lost after many years abroad. He was about to go back to the paper when Mark asked  
"So, what do you do then?" Nicky looked up with a sigh, as the man flicked his fringe out of his eyes expectantly. Whilst he was thankful that he'd have something to do for once, he wished Mark would stop staring at him so intently, or at least not sit so close.

Oh.

****

"Hi Rod!" Nicky burst noisily into the apartment as usual, throwing his rucksack into an empty space in the middle of the floor, then noticing Rod's glare and as usual kicking it to the side of the room.  
"Hi Nicky"  
"You'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning" Rod rolled his eyes and feigned interest in his book. "This guy was smiling at me, and talking to me"  
"That's really interesting" Rod drawled in a monotone fashion. Truth was he actually did love to hear Nicky recount his adventures, the way he would describe the quirky details of people, or make everyday events seem funny. He just wasn't one to show it. In fact he was focusing so much on pretending to read that he almost missed the words  
"was gay"

Ah.

Just like that the mood in the room changed. Rod knew where this talk was going, having undergone it several times before. Being in no mood to let Nicky complete it and knowing from experience that the best course of action was to head it off in another direction, he snapped  
"I do not want to talk about it, Nicky, this conversation is over." Then adding for good measure "Over!"

As usual Nicky wouldn't drop it, following as Rod slammed his book shut exasperatedly and made his way to the kitchen  
"I just think we should be able to talk about it Rod. I mean, it's not like it means anything...right?"  
"I just don't see why you want to talk about it in the first place"  
"Well it's an issue that affects all of us" Rod pretended to be busy searching in the fridge to avoid maintaining eye contact "I mean, you never know, one's friend may be gay and just not be telling anyone. Or something"  
"Have you seen the yoghurt?"  
"Hypothetically of course" Nicky added hurriedly "and it's the top shelf"  
"THIRD shelf up Nicky, always put it on the third shelf. I shouldn't have to keep saying this!" Slamming this time the fridge door shut he began hunting for a spoon

"You don't need to get all defensive about it"  
"I'm not getting defensive!" Rod snapped defensively, and sighed when Nicky raised an eyebrow.  
"Well, whatever. But you know that if you were gay" speaking louder over the sound of Rod scraping back his chair "I'd be totally cool with it."  
"And if you were a leopard" Rod snapped sarcastically "I'd be overjoyed as well"  
"Come on Rod"  
"No" Rod snapped "I'm going to lie down; I don't want to discuss this any longer"

He was surprised that Nicky couldn't hear how loud his heart was beating, and that his cheeks hadn't given him away in their usual red blush. He knew that Nicky liked to toy with him, and really didn't care less. But that was only because he thought he knew, thought he understood.

Rod knew that if he told Nicky the truth he would lose the best friend he had ever had. And so once again he stayed quiet, passing up yet another chance, living a lie.


	3. The internet is for porn

Mornings were the only time he could get work done at the weekend; Nicky didn't usual surface before eleven, except when he was dragged out on special occasions. Not that having the opportunity really helped Rod, the uncharacteristic quietness normally ending up distracting him. Nevertheless, as usual he sat resolutely in front of the laptop screen, promising himself that he would only take a short break before he started work...

Behind him the door burst open.  
"Rodneeeeeeeeeey!" Kate. The only person who insisted on calling him that. Inwardly cringing and berating himself for not having checked that the door was locked, he quickly closed the lid of his laptop and whirled round on the barstool he was sitting on, just in time to be enveloped in a tight hug from Kate.  
"Whoa, you're in a good mood" he remarked, disentangling himself from her "Coffee?"  
"Yes please. I have news!"  
"Great!" he said with a false smile, as he made his way to the kettle. Coffee meant that she had decided to stay, and that he wouldn't be able to make her leave for a good hour or so. It wasn't that he didn't like Kate, only that he liked her in small doses, and an hour's worth of forced conversation far exceeded that stipulation.

"So," he said "is it...Princeton?"  
"No" she beamed "although that's going good too"  
"Uh huh"  
"I definitely think he likes me – likes me likes me. We keep bumping into each other on the street"  
"Really?" Kate failed to get his sarcasm  
"Yeah. It's like he's deliberately going out of his way to see me" They lived on the same small street, two flats down from each other. It would hardly be going out of his way if Princeton were trying to see her, more fool to him.  
"Totally"

The bedroom door slammed open and Nicky stumbled out, still bleary-eyed and tousle-haired from sleep. Rod, who would never have dreamed of appearing in front of other people unless in his trademark shirt and combed back hair, flinched in embarrassment at his roommate's stained t-shirt and ripped jeans. Kate too wrinkled her nose, which somehow caused Rod immense annoyance in Nicky's naive defence. She was an unwanted guest in his apartment, and she had no business to judge anyone in it. Least of all Nicky. Only he was allowed to do that.

Taking a deep breath Rod paused in the kitchen for courage before returning to face his neighbour. Patting him on the back as he navigated the tiny kitchen around him, Nicky briefly caught his eye and smiled encouragement. It took seventeen muscles to smile – seventeen more than Rod liked to use in case he encouraged premature wrinkles - but on Nicky it looked so pure and effortless that he couldn't help smiling back. He picked up the two mugs and ushered Kate to the living room area.  
"So, what was this news you wanted to tell me?"

With Kate you had to direct the conversation, or she was liable to talk for hours on whatever tangent she happened to find herself on. He knew that he was the only one who despised this, having once tentatively brought the conversation up with Christmas Eve. Perhaps it was because he was a man. Taking a gulp of the scalding liquid Rod tuned back in just in time to hear  
"And then Mrs Thistletwat tells me I get to teach class tomorrow!"  
"Is this your first time?" she nodded energetically  
"Of course I've been a teaching assistant for a while now, but this is the first time I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself"  
"So what'll you talk about?"  
"I want to teach something relevant, something modern. Like the Internet"

As a kindergartener Rod was sure that he wouldn't have wanted a lecture on the internet. Knowing that saying this would've either annoyed her into an argument, or shattered her confidence he kept quiet as she recited her opening

""Since it was created in the 1990s the internet has been very important in our lives." Then I'll ask "So, what is the internet for?""  
Rod's laugh almost caused him to choke on his drink.  
"Sorry" he said in response to her look. He could hear Nicky laughing in the background, and he fought hard to stop himself joining in  
"I don't get it" Kate pouted "Princeton and Trekkie did the exact same thing"  
"It's a guy joke"  
"I gathered"

"Rod?" piped up Nicky's voice from the kitchen. Both Kate and Rod turned round  
"Yeah?"  
"Um, what's this on your laptop?"

* * *

_AN: It took me so long to work out how to do this chapter, so sorry that it's been a while. Hope this is okay - it's harder then I thought it would be, considering. As always, I love reviews and any constructive criticism can only help improve my writing :) Thanks x_


	4. Fantasies Come True

Rod could describe the bedroom ceiling as well as he could recite any of his favourite Broadway musicals of the forties. He'd spent so much time staring at it every night, every month, every year since he'd moved into the house on Avenue Q. After the lights had been turned off and the world had descended to silence he would lie awake staring at the ceiling. Anything not to look at the person sleeping across the room. Anything not to think about Nicky.

So near and yet so unreachable, this was almost driving him insane. How many years had it been? They'd been roommates all the way through college, then straightaway to flatmates on the Avenue. He'd had to pretend not to hear what Nicky got up to night after night with the countless girls he brought home, all the while wondering what it would be like if it were him.

In the darkness Nicky groaned as he turned over in his sleep. Breaking his code Rod glanced over at his friend. Even though it was dark he could imagine so well the quizzical dreaming expression on his face, and the way his tousled hair fell into his eyes.

"Nicky? Are you awake?"

"Is that a unicorn?" came the mumbled reply. Evidently not awake then. Rod sighed, it sure got lonely at night but he couldn't do anything about it. Everyone thought that he had a girlfriend in Canada, which he didn't, and wouldn't even want if he had. And if he fell asleep he would dream.  
"I'll wear the purple shoes! Who painted the kitten?" Obviously Nicky's dreams weren't as graphic as his own. Rod couldn't even enjoy them, waking fitfully, afraid that he had called out his friend's name, or something else inappropriate. Rod sighed. Maybe he should just shake him?

"I love you Rod" Rod's head snapped up. Had Nicky really said what he'd thought he had?  
"What did you say?"  
"I love your little laugh" scrambling off the bed Rod knelt down by Nicky's side. Touching his cheek he found it to be clammy as though travelling through a nightmare.  
"Nicky, are you awake?" looking straight at him through closed eyes, the reply was straight and levelled  
"Take off your shirt"

This was a set up, right? Nicky was always trying to get Rod to say he was...a homowhatever. But even though he waited him out, Rod got no reaction. Slowly he crawled back to his own side of the room, curling into a ball at the corner where his bed met the wall_. Oh Nicholas, have you been shy all this time?_ So many years of dreaming, of longing. _Have we been hiding from each other?_

A smile on his face, Rod closed his eyes, letting the images flood freely into his mind. It was all okay. This was obviously why Nicky was so persistent in trying to get Rod to come out to him: he was obviously scared about being rejected. Poor Nicky.

Suddenly he felt a hand shaking him shoulder  
"Hey Rod, buddy, you're talking in your sleep" anxiety, disappointment and desperation seemed to wash over him all at once.  
"Um, I thought you were talking in your sleep?" he tried to sound nonchalant  
"No, I just came to bed" how could Nicky's voice be so...smiling?  
"Oh"  
"Goodnight"

Nicky had heard quite a bit of Rod's mutterings before he had woken him up. Alberta from Vancouver indeed! Rod was obviously was never going to be happy until he, Nicky, found him a boyfriend. And that, he resolved, he would begin doing the next day.

Laying there in the darkness, once again staring at the ceiling, Rod felt a solitary tear running down his cheek. He made no movement to wipe it away. Somehow he felt worse now knowing that Nicky had never said all those things, than he had before when he had known that Nicky would never have said them. He waited until his friend's breathing had become slow and regular with sleep, and a little longer before he could trust his voice.

"Goodnight Nicky"

* * *

_AN: Okay, so I know that this one is more play-based, but this is (in my opinion) the most beautiful song of the whole play so... Oh, I've realised that most of the song options from now on are rather Nicky-centric, which is worrying me slightly as I would prefer them to be the other way round, but I'll try my best. Oh and thanks especially to Fran - I really can't do americanisms so thanks :) Comments and criticisms much appreciated x_


	5. Fantasies Come True Attempt II

The worst thing was when Nicky brought a girl home with him. A practice continued over from their days as college roommates changed only by their age and the fact that instead of sitting outside their dorm door Rod often found himself already in bed before Nicky came back. He had become quite practiced at burying his head under the pillow (much good that did his hair) and running the phantom of the opera theme on a loop in his head.

It was awkward and horrible, but not just because of that. Rod had long since resigned himself to the fact that he was deeply in love with his best friend. Despite all outward pretences he tried to portray he couldn't hide it from himself, no matter how hard he tried. So it tore his heart every time he heard the door creak open and giggling in the hallway, found himself taking messages with girls numbers or cooking them breakfast.

And with every girl fucked, Nicky slid further away from him.

Because the only way he could keep himself sane with it all was to grasp hold of the pathetic glimmer of hope that Nicky would one day return these feelings. But like all pathetic glimmers this one had been nearly extinguished on many occasions.

Rod sighed and laid down onto the sofa as best he could. For now there was no sound emanating from their shared bedroom, but he could sense from experience that it by no means an assurance of sleep. The ticking of the kitchen wall clock reminded him of each passing second, and simultaneously would not move quick enough. Switching between concentrating on the noise and trying to ignore it, Rod was interrupted by the sound of soft footsteps.

"Rod, you awake?" too lethargic from withheld sleep, Rod couldn't bring himself to make any sort of reply, remaining still and staring with glazed eyes at the blank television screen. He felt the pressure of Nicky sitting down beside him and waited for his friend to fill the silence "I'm gonna say something," Nicky continued "that's kinda hard but..."

His voice lapsed into silence again, perhaps waiting to see if Rod would respond to this potential unburdening of whatever problem he found himself in. But after spending the day being a relationships councillor to Kate he didn't feel he could face it. When the voice began again it brought with it the shivers of fingertips lightly stroking his cheek. "Earlier with Jennifer...I don't know why I keep..." Nicky swallowed audibly, then "I love the way your voice goes all squeaky when you get indignant about something. I love your little laugh. I love the way I can smell you when I borrow your shirts. And I know I'm only saying this because you're asleep and you can't hear me but...I love you Rod. I think I always have; I just didn't want to admit it to myself..."

The paralysis of tiredness evaporating from him with each word spoken, Rod slowly pulled himself into a sitting position to meet Nicky's eyes  
"You mean that?" he whispered. Nicky's face blushed in the moonlight  
"Yeah, I do" They were tantalisingly close Rod was just about to close the final gap between him but  
"Rod?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Rod? Rod wake up"

The TV was still on and Nicky was shaking his shoulder  
"Nicky?"  
"I just came to tell you it's okay to come in. You've been asleep, is all"  
"Oh" he couldn't keep the note of deflation from his voice  
"By the way, I appreciate this, you know?"  
"Sure, it's fine"  
"Well goodnight"

Rod waited until he was sure Nicky was out of earshot, and then again till he knew he could trust his voice, before he replied

"Goodnight Nicky"

* * *

_AN: One mild language slip – sorry about that, I wasn't sure how to say it in this context. And I'd got so far... Ah well never mind. Sorry it's been so long but I'm deprived of a computer right now which is making things rather tricky. Hope this one is better than the last time, let me know :) x_


	6. My Girlfriend Who Lives In Canada

The best part about the wedding is that the food is always free. Second best is the fact that one is always encouraged to go back to the buffet for more helpings. If he hadn't had to dress up all smart in one of Rod's uncomfortable suits then it would have been a good day.

"Psst, Nicky!"

Seven helpings of dessert was probably a little excessive, he reasoned to himself, but why let the food go to waste? He glanced over at Rod who was sitting at their table, dejectedly picking at the same slice of melon as a small child from Brian's side of the family attempted to entice him in her game of It.

"Hey, Nicky!"

Hearing his name he jerked his head up, feeling something akin to the childhood guilt of being caught stealing sweets. He spotted Gary standing with Kate and the newly married couple. Had he congratulated them yet? Rod was always having to remind him of social etiquette; not because he was genuinely rude but due to the fact that he was usually too blissfully unaware to comprehend.

"Hey guys, what's up?"  
"We were just talking about Rod" Gary explained, motioning for him to keep his voice down "We were wondering if he was gay?" Nicky felt himself automatically stiffen, knowing where the conversation was headed. He'd had it too many times with people over the years, including Rod, and he still couldn't answer to any degree of comfort.  
"I'm not sure" Kate was saying "I mean, we've known him for years and I've never seen him, you know, _being gay_" why did she whisper the last two words?  
"But he might be one of those people who deny what they really feel. Yeah, you know, those...oh..." Gary scrambled for the phrase "closet homosexuals"  
"I suppose..."  
"What do you think Nicky?"

"_Yo Nick!"  
_"_Hey guys!" Nicky wearily gave up pretending he hadn't noticed the group he'd been trying to ignore, and went over to join their table  
_"_How's life?" Kyle asked him  
_"_Oh you know" he hedged, taking a gulp of his drink in the hope that they wouldn't ask any more questions but knowing they would. Every time he met up with his so-called college friends it was the same.  
_"_Still living with the fag?" as if on cue the semi-drunken group all laughed. The smile on Nicky's face grew tighter as he again raised the glass to his lips, his fingers whitening as he gripped the glass.  
_"_Yes, yes I am actually"_

"Actually" he said "I always have thought Rod was gay"  
"Really?" Christmas Eve looked incredulous. Evidently her great therapy skills hadn't worked that one out.  
"You don't find it weird?" Kate echoed in a shocked whisper.  
"Well, it's no big deal, right? Being gay isn't the same as being a mass murderer, or a paedophile or anything. There's nothing different about him just because he's into guys. And besides, I don't remember Rod ever having a boyfriend or anything – he's never even talked about it," Nicky frowned "and we are pretty close as friends. I never brought it up because, well, I figured that if he wanted to tell me he would. So yes, Gary, I would say that Rod is a "closeted homosexual""

Sod's law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Toast will always fall butter-side down, if you forget an umbrella it will always rain, and if you talk about someone they will always be standing behind you. So it was with that ever-sinking feeling of realisation that Nicky saw the awkward look on his friends' faces which preceded a gasp from behind him.

"Nicky! How could you say that kind of thing?" Not knowing how much he had heard Nicky tried to backtrack, knowing as the words came out of his mouth that he was loosing the battle  
"Hi Rod! All I said was "My buddy Rod has...an un-descended testicle!""  
"No!" Rod sounded aghast, as Nicky would well have done too "I heard what you said! And it's not true!"  
"No?"  
"No! I am definitely not a...a...closeted homo-whatever!"  
"Rod it's nothing to be ashamed of" Gary tried "We just w-"  
"I have a girlfriend!"

The words blurted from Rods mouth as if he had no control over them. Clearly Rod felt so too as his hands flew to his lips, as if trying too late to prevent the words from escaping. Nicky had been granted audience to this discussion before, and he knew how it would turn out. Hoping that Gary would drop it, he still wasn't surprised when the man said  
"Really? So tell us about her then." Rod swallowed audibly  
"Well...um...She's called...Alberta and, and she lives in Canada – Vancouver, Canada"

_Here we go again_ Nicky thought, and slowly edged away from the group towards the buffet table. It wouldn't be there first time that Rod had lied about his imaginary girlfriend. Nicky wasn't sure if Rod knew that everyone else knew that he was lying – he assumed not or surely he would have stopped by now? Or perhaps he'd dropped her and the rest of his fictional friends into so many conversations that he'd forgotten that they were all made up? Either way he was in no mood to watch Rod finish digging the metaphorical hole that he Nicky had started. Instead he pretended to find the tiramisu fascinating.

Desert number eight.

* * *

_AN: So, chapter up. I'm not sure what's going to happen with my writing at the moment, seeing as its NaNoWrimo this month I'm going to be busy writing other things. I've done a few rough drafts of other chapters so I'll try and get something up though. Reviews always appreciated, and if they're signed I'll reply :) PS, do children play It in America?_


	7. I Miss Nicky

As he walked along the street, shoulders hunched against the cold autumnal air, Rod wondered why in this day and age letters still had to exist. There was no post box on Avenue Q and the prospect of the cold ten minute walk to the nearest one was not exactly thrilling. Passing by the overflowing skip on the corner he jumped when he heard a familiar voice saying:

"Oh, hi Rod!"

Nicky.

"Is that the wind I hear whistling through the branches?" such a childish retort, he mentally admonished himself for saying it. Nicky took a step towards him so Rod resolutely turned away. He would not crack first.  
"Listen, Rod, from now on I'll believe anything you say about yourself. And I apologize for being such a messy roommate."

Why didn't he understand that Rod didn't care about his untidy habits, or his annoying quirks? But then…he _had_ always been harsh with him about that; it was a source of their constant arguing. No, it was the hurt Rod had felt when he overheard Nicky, his closest and longest-standing friend, carelessly say the words that Rod didn't even want to admit to himself.

Even so, Nicky's voice sounded so plaintive that he was glad that he had his back to him, so that his friend could not see that the tears were beginning to well up in his eyes. Rod swallowed, gaze fixed steadfast at the peeling paint of an upstairs window.

"Rod? Buddy?" Nicky's voice cracked

He wanted nothing more than to turn round and run after his friend, tell him that of course he wanted him back, that the past few days had been the most miserable and lonely he had ever felt. He needed him. But then of course, he also loved him. And that was something Rod wasn't prepared to say. He'd seen the reactions of everyone at Brian and Christmas Eve's wedding, heard each word of stabbing betrayal that Nicky had said. He'd resigned himself years ago to the fact that Nicky wouldn't - couldn't - ever love him, but even so…

How could he?

Behind him Rod heard the sound of footsteps as Nicky turned and walked away. _Get a grip, Rod,_ he told himself_, you're a successful banker on Wall Street. You have your own flat and people that love you. This shouldn't be so hard_.

"Rod? Are you okay?" he hadn't even heard the therapist come up behind him he'd been so wrapped up in his own thoughts. He sighed  
"No, not really. Christmas Eve, can I consult with you briefly?"  
"Sure" They sat down on the grubby steps of a boarded-up shop.  
"You know when you make a decision sometimes, and then afterwards you don't know if you did the right thing?"  
"Yes, I know"  
"What do you do if you did make the wrong choice?"  
"You can never make a wrong choice, Rod. Everything you do happens for a reason. It might seem bad at the time, but sooner or later it all works out for something good, you'll see"  
"You sound so sure"  
"Look, when I came here from Japan I wasn't so sure I'd done the right thing. I had no money, nowhere to live, no job or anything. But then I met Brian and we got married and now I'm happy. You see?"

Rod was silent for a while  
"But that's another thing" he said "When I look at all my married friends, and I see you and Brian happy together…well…I want that. I want someone that makes me feel special, someone that loves me back just as much as I love them"  
"And you'll find them someday"  
"Will I?" he met his friend's eyes "Right now I feel so alone"  
"Rod," Christmas Eve asked gently "Was what he said really so bad?"

It was true. Because yes Nicky had hurt his feelings, and yes he'd embarrassed him in front of everyone, but hadn't Rod also been at fault? And hadn't Nicky always been there for him over the years? Surely friendship meant more than a simple throwaway comment? Rod sighed again and let his head drop into his hands.

"I miss Nicky" he said.

* * *

_AN: I know that the "I miss Nicky" scene isn't a song, but it is perhaps the most emotional scene so I felt compelled to do it. _

_29/11/09: I'm so so sorry I haven't been able to update sooner! Anyway, now I have a working computer of sorts (no internet but at least all my files are back) I can get back on with this story. I'm aware that it's not the best I could have hoped for, what with the long time away, but hopefully I'll get back into it once I start this kind of writing again. Thanks for all your messages, and comments and ctiticisms still greatly appreciated x_


	8. I Wish I Could Go Back To College

"I thought I'd find you here Rod" Nicky materialized next to Rod's bench – the only bench that Rod would consider sitting on – and looked at him expectantly.  
"You know me too well" Rod sighed and closed his book "You going to get something to eat then?" Nicky laughed  
"Evidently it's you that knows me too well!" he sat down next to Rod "Have you been here all morning?"  
"It's the first day this week that it's been available. Now that it's warmer people seem to be outside so much more"  
"I can't imagine why" Nicky raised an eyebrow "or what's so special about this bench"  
"Don't worry" Rod sighed and rose to his feet "Let's go and get some food"

The next day when he returned he found the bench empty. Sitting down he was just about to open his book when he caught sight of something written on the wood:  
_Rod's bench – keep off  
__Signed Nick_

The page turned.

Nicky had always been the arty one, the dramatic and fun loving one. At first Rod had been wary when he found exactly who he had been assigned as his roommate. And Nicky was in every single play on campus, at every single gig and invited to every single party. Consequently Rod found himself alone in the dorm most nights, pretending to be cramming for some midterm or another. But for every night that Nicky was absent he seemed to spend three weeks in the room every day, seeming content to simply just hang out with Rod, whatever he was doing. What could compel him to do so Rod didn't know, but he never complained – or at least not much.

Next page.

Rod lay on his too-narrow bed, pretending to be concentrating on the newspaper article he was pretending to be reading; all the while pretending that he wasn't thinking about Nicky.

"Hey Rod, aren't you coming?" Nicky appeared next to him, dropping himself onto the bed with a bounce. Forcing himself to ignore the fact that they were lying on the same bed, and besides that _touching_, Rod kept his eyes steadily on the print  
"Sorry I can't"  
"Why not?" Nicky was too buzzed to notice Rod's deadpan voice. He sighed  
"I barely know any of your friends, Nicky, and they hate me"  
"I'm sure they don't hate you"  
"They don't want me there"  
"Well it's my birthday and Isay _I_ want you there." He jumped up, pulling Rod after him "come on or we'll be late"

Turn over.

"Rod?" Rod didn't look up at the sound of his name. Or rather he continued to look up at the ceiling which he had been staring at for possibly the last hour; he didn't know. He didn't reply to Nicky either "Rod why aren't you downstairs with everyone else?"  
"You know why"  
"But it's the Christmas ball, Rod, you can't just not go"  
"I think you'll find that I can" Rod snapped back irritably "And anyway, what about Candice? You'd better get back to her" Nicky didn't say anything for a moment, and Rod turned his head until his friend came in his perpheral vision, and then more as Nicky disappeared again, only not out the door as Rod would have expected "Nicky what are you doing?"  
"Oh, nothing" Nicky replied, kicking off his shoes untidily to the floor and laying back on his bed much the same as Rod.

Candice never spoke to Rod again for the length of their time together at college. After her here was a brief thing with his TA, then Faye, Laura, Connie, Natalie, Xara and many that Rod chose to forget, but Candice he always remembered.

New page.

Graduation had taken forever in arriving and at the same time come around much too quickly. Four years of studying had culminated in a procession onto the stage, garbed in the traditional black attire, to receive the piece of paper that was supposed to make all the time and the cost and the effort and the future, everything, worth it. Actually it meant nothing.

"Another glass Rod?" Nicky appeared beside him as had become almost trademark of him to do, and offered him a fifth glass of champagne  
"Oh no, I really shouldn't" Rod declined the drink, knowing full well his inability to cope with even a little alcohol, and his flushed cheeks already betraying his unusually high consumption for the time frame.  
"Aw, come on buddy" Nicky thrust it into his friend's hand "make the most of it. It's free, isn't it? Today's our last day to party!"  
"I don't know"  
"Trust me" Rod downed the glass in one.

Blank paper.

Closing the photo album with a soft thud Rod closed his eyes and allowed his head to softly hit the wall behind him. Outside the paper thin walls the wind blew its fanatical premise and though it couldn't enter the air in the room around him seemed to cloak him in cold sympathy.

Darkness faded in but he didn't move from his position. It seemed like nothing would make him happy anymore. It was pessimistic and stupid and Rod knew it but he didn't care.

Because it was the truth.

And he missed Nicky.

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AN: Hey guys, sorry this is taking so long (and that it's so short) but I think it's because I've been so out of rhythm with this kind of writing. I've now got a computer with word and internet that works so hopefully these'll be coming a lot quicker :) Americanism check: is midterm the right word? I mean the equivalent of midpoint tests, and then the word midterm came into my head… Comments and criticisms still appreciated x

_PS Fran: Hmm, that's an interesting idea. Do you mean how I think it _should_ be, or how I think it _would_ be? Truth be told I'm not sure for either, but after this I might give it a go and see what happens…_


	9. Rod's Confession

The phrase 'coming out' was deceptive, Rod reasoned. Obviously it had the crude meaning that always made Trekkie smile in that creepy way of his, but there was also the fact that it held several implications about this person.

Firstly was that implied they were afraid, or were in denial, and neither of these applied to him. True there was something about the idea that made his heart beat very fast somewhere behind his Adam's apple and the back of his neck prickle with trepidation but he wasn't afraid, he assured himself, he was just being…sensible. He'd seen TV.

And when you came out it had to be a huge revelation, which didn't make any sense. People were telling the truth about themselves all the time: asexuals, pansexuals, omnisexuals, demisexuals – everyone. And they weren't _gay_. Not that there was anything wrong with being gay but surely there were enough gay people in New York, America, the world even, not to need him to add himself to the list…

He could hear the people talking on the street through the open window as he paced before it, weighing over his decision. On one hand this was a massive and maybe even pointless step for him to take, risking massive humiliation and branding him as the social outcast of the neighborhood. Actually that almost definitely outweighed the possibility of there being an opposing view. Rod sighed and moved away from the window to sit on a barstool in the kitchen, absentmindedly swinging himself side to side as his thoughts battled above.

Also, did anyone stop to think about why the metaphor insisted that the central person was in a closet in the first place? Of all the places to be it wasn't a particularly likely one. No one hid in a closet unless they were a child playing hide-and-seek or sardines. Stupid metaphors.

Nicky's voice rang from outside, still some way off but piercing his musings like an arrow. He was back. Rod half rose, ready to meet his friend as he burst through the door in typical Nicky-like fashion, but then remembered that he wouldn't - Rod had seen to that at the wedding, idiot that he was.

And all that lead to the question: what if he wasn't gay after all, and was just in love with Nicky? But there was no way that he would be able to explain that to him without sounding like some obsessed stalker and driving his former roommate away for good, and there was no way that he would be able to take that.

He sighed again, deciding that he needed a drink, but the fridge was stubbornly devoid of all alcoholic content, as were the cupboards. It had always been Nicky who brought the beer home, Rod normally being more partial to a glass of wine, and he hadn't wanted to impose of Nicky's role, even if he had left. Eventually he found a bottle of champagne behind a box of cornflakes, probably given as the generic gift from work the Christmas before. He supposed it was better than nothing.

Rod popped the cork and watched as the froth oozed over the bottle neck and onto his hand, somewhat mesmerized by the sight. Shaking himself from his reverie he put the bottle back down on the side and strode purposefully over to the door.

Screw it. He was going to tell Nicky the truth, even if his world collapsed around him.

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AN: So this is the penultimate chapter, hopefully, if you think this one is good enough - I honestly don't mind criticisms, they only serve to make things better so feel free to offer them – although compliments are good too :) I know it's not a song again, but I think I only have one more left so… Sorry this was a while in coming. Happy New Year everybody x


	10. For Now

"To Princeton!" everyone chorused, raising their glasses of cheap champagne in toast to their friend's new job, new purpose and future success. Rod raised his glass with the rest of them, but he knew that his smile was fake, so fake.

_Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied_

He didn't mean to be so detached from it all. Actually he'd been looking forward to it ever since he'd been invited; a chance to be back on Avenue Q, a chance to see everyone again – Rod had gratefully accepted it. But now that he was actually here amongst everyone he couldn't help but feel different. Maybe it was all in his head, he couldn't tell, but things seemed to have moved on and he was no longer part of it all.

_Everyone goes round a little empty inside_

Quietly Rod put down his untouched champagne glass and, picking up his coat, slipped away from the crowd of people. He didn't want to impose or to spoil the day for anyone else. Deep down he knew as well as they did that the job wouldn't last any longer than any of Princeton's previous occupations. Lucy would never stick to her new religion, and Gary...well nothing good would ever come for Gary. But that wasn't the sort of talk for a party.

Rod paused to pull on his coat, turning to look back at the happy laughing people. Though there were many he did not know, those that he did could easily be picked out of the crowd: Gary chatting up Princeton's cousin, Brian and Christmas Eve dancing amongst the other couples on the makeshift dance floor, and Princeton himself feeding Kate forkfuls of his chocolate desert. All of them in seemingly impenetrable bubbles of happiness.

_For now we're happy, if not overjoyed._

Rod smiled sadly to himself. Everyone else's lives were beginning to turn out right, with new jobs, new apartments, new love interests, new LIVES. It occurred to him that maybe there was really no such thing as happiness, and that maybe all it was were those brief moments like this, where something good touches our lives and we just call it happiness to keep us going until the next time. And so we keep striving, keep trying to get a new apartment, bigger promotion or a better boyfriend, never realising that it won't last, that it's only for now.

And then he saw Nicky.

His friend was sitting on a tree swing with a pretty blonde girl from a couple of blocks away. His arm was around her and they looked so...happy together. If the scene had been a painting they wouldn't have looked out of place. He'd never met Caitlin, but Nicky had facebooked him excited snippets about their meeting, and them moving in together, and Rod had always promised he'd catch up properly with him sometime and never had. But now that he was here watching his friend he realised just how much he had missed out on.

Nicky looked up and caught sight of Rod. He smiled and waved with his free hand.

_We'll accept what we cannot avoid._

Wanting desperately to wave back, Rod kept his hands in his jacket pockets. Managing a small half smile, he nodded towards his old friend. He turned around again and walked slowly down the grey streets, further and further until all sounds of the party had disappeared behind him. His life belonged elsewhere now, and he was no longer a part of what he had left behind. He wouldn't forget the years spent there, or the people he had met, but now his future was ahead of him. A time to change and a time to start again.

It almost didn't register that he was standing in front of his new apartment, his new BIGGER apartment – one that had actually been designed for two people, and one where two people now lived. Rod would go in, store his coat and shoes in their proper places, and tell all about the party over a latte. But for the first time in years it would be to Ricky, and not to his friend. Not Nicky. Not any more.

That was done.

_For now._

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AN: And so we reach the end...I think (unless you want me to redo this chapter; I'm always fine to do that). I'm sorry it took so long to get this last chapter up! I had exams and all that...

_I'm not a particular fan of featuring actual song lyrics in stories (I've tried it before and it's never worked) but hey, I'll give it a go. I hope that this has been alright and that you'll continue to read my other writings in the future :)_

_Special thanks to Fran who reviewed every chapter, and yes I think I'll take your idea as a separate thing – it's not really song after all and I've already done Rod's confession. I've always avoided getting a deviantart for the 'art' part of the word but I think I've seen your stuff in the past, if you're who I think you are. So maybe..._

_But also massive thank-yous to everyone who else who has reviewed this story – I really appreciate it. Reviews are always gladly received, and they do make me smile :) Have a nice (although belated) New Year x_


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